Rationalizing

I run on a regular basis. I watch what I eat, keeping a careful eye on fat content. I try to include a healthy portion of vegetables in my diet and eat fish often because--you know--fish is good for you. I also happen to really like fish, but that's not the point. What I'm getting at is that I'm generally a healthy person. With one exception. I'm a smoker. Crazy, huh? People have asked me, "How can you run AND smoke?" I usually respond with, "Easy, I don't do them at the same time." Or, "I only smoke a little, but I run a LOT." This is me putting a glib face on something I'm embarrassed about. The truth is, I hate everything about smoking except the actual smoking part. I hate the smell on my clothes. I hate the ashes that accumulate in the back seat of my car even though I'm careful to flick them out the window. I really hate buying them. I hate carrying them with me. I hate all of that. But, I really love the smoking part. Curse you, cruel world!

Anyway, a month ago, I took the plunge and quit. Again. I'm actually pretty good at quitting. I've done it several times, once for over a year. I've quit cold turkey, with gum, with a patch, and with pharmaceuticals. This time is with pharmaceuticals again. They actually work better than anything else I've ever tried. The meds aren't the problem, they do their job just fine. It's me. I'm the problem. I don't hold up my end of the bargain. You see, I've found--more while quitting smoking than any other times--that my brain has an enormous capacity for rationalization. Left alone with just my thoughts and a sudden craving for a cigarette, my brain starts whispering all kinds of sneaky things to me. You're a runner, that probably makes up for most of your smoking. (Clearly false by the way, but it sounds good, right?) You can just have one here and there, there's no harm in that. You can be that guy that just smokes a cigarette every once in while. (I'm not that guy. I've tried to be him, but I'm not. I think once you've been a full time smoker for as long as I have, you can never be a part time smoker.) This is dumb. Nobody successfully quits until they don't like smoking anymore, and you still do. (This one is harder for me to argue against, but still not a valid point.)

So, when it comes to quitting, I'm my own worst enemy. But, for now, I'm doing well one month down the line. Much like an alcoholic, I'm sure I'll always be a recovering smoker, never a true non-smoker. But, I'm okay with that. For now. But, you know, if you can never really be a non-smoker again........